a whisper in the water

jigsaw falling into place

2007-10-28T23:30:00.001-04:00

something i've been thinking about lately...
some people are so scared. so scared that it makes me hurt for them. i wonder if everyone can see it as clearly as i can. i wonder if they'd care if they could. i wish i could just stop them when i see them and remind them how important they are. how special they are. they've been beat down by life, or by their parents or by society and they believe that their soul is fractured, is less than perfect. i wish i could show them what i saw. that they are greater than they'll ever know. some of us walk around, and our only mission every day is to find acceptance in someone else's eyes. you live to please someone else. how can that be a life? how can you find your joy if it only comes through the permission of another? how can you see the beauty that exists in a shower of golden leaves falling to the earth if you're busy wondering if you're doing it right? i really believe that everyone is good. everyone is a piece of perfection. everyone. how can we not be? we are just a slice, and a small slice at that, of nature. i know a lot of people like to think so, but we are not separate from animals. we just have a different name. and how can there not be perfection in nature? it just is. humans find fault with nature when it causes them inconvenience...a rainstorm or garden weeds, for example, but actually everything in nature is divine perfection. everything happens like clockwork, with passion and purpose and meaning. we should be no different.

nothing to see here, just move along.

2007-10-15T16:04:00.000-04:00

these posts seem to be taking on a once a month pattern....

so so much has happened since the last one, and it's precisely for that reason that i haven't written anything since september 9th. i've been living! a strange and beautiful odyssey! i wouldn't even know where to begin in explaining the things that have happened since then. sleeping in parks and offices, moving into ryan's basement, major tom, maggie, danielle, the shit that went down with scott, lindsey, fisher's unfortunate departure, books i've read, hiking trips, a bear?, movies i've seen, great conversations i've had...
to go into everything now would be tedious and forced and uninspired, so i leave it as is, and if at some point in the future i feel like divulging my thoughts on some of the things that have transpired in the past 40something days, i will. i guess i'm writing now just to get back into the habit of writing. so there.

the boy who blocked his own shot

2007-09-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

its been a minute, hasnt it?
i suppose a lot has happened since my last post.
so..what are the cliff notes?

ive been working a lot, which is good. gets me out of the apartment and gets some cash in my hands. (cant seem to maintain a grip on that stuff).
im writing this post from "my" bedroom in my mother's house here in georgia. nothing in this house feels as if its of me or my family, so i have a hard time calling this my room. its a nice guest room, though.
i went on a much appreciated and overall fun, but rather expensive and uneventful double date with radek, dominika, and dominika's friend joanna the other night. joanna was beautiful, funny and interesting. i can be quite a punk, sometimes, in the sense that if i dont feel like im getting a certain amount of attention from a female, i let my psychoses and insecurities creep over me and take control of my mind and vision. i was positive that i was making her skin crawl.i'm (only partially) sure, now, that wasn't the case, but at the time i was absolutely certain that this girl was vomitting in her mouth when she looked at me. and then of course, that lack of confidence becomes something palpable, something anyone can pick up, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

some good news, i finally broke my 5 plus month dry spell. the bad news is that it was with michelle. company aside, it was phenomenal. and not just because i hadn't had sex in a while. it was just very good, passionate, animal sex. (at my office, no less!) it had a scent and a color and a taste. we had an equally enjoyable follow-up session the night that i flew out here. i really can't stand michelle. she's so phony and immature. she's one of those girls who has everything in common with everybody. its one thing to actually have something in common with someone, and its quite a different thing to make something in common with them. i chalk it up to her age i guess. i dont have to love her mind in order to love her pussy.
sometimes its just not good business to pass up a sure thing. but then again...i'm more of a gambler than i am a businessman, aren't i?

ive been in georgia for approximately twenty four hours, and all i can think of is going back to brooklyn. i can allow myself to relax and have a good and enjoy my family while i'm here, but i have this constant voice in my mind telling me that i'm trapped here, that i cant go jump on my bike and cycle to prospect park or ryan's place. that i cant meet up with fisher for a beer. that i cant go get a slice. i've been here for a day! is this the way things are going to be when i'm in india? im sure i will be so preoccupied there that i wont have time to miss the things that are worth missing.
wow...thats kind of a creepy concept.
i hope to god thats not true.

untitled

2007-08-27T22:44:00.000-04:00

i'm a couple of days behind.. under normal circumstances, being the all or nothing freak of nature that i am, i would have completely abandoned this whole goddamn blog thing and that would have been that. but for some reason i feel the inspiration to keep it going. might as well ride the wave and see what shore i land on. maybe it'll be the only thing i actually commit to.
lately, in the midst of everything thats going on, i find myself wanting to just collapse into the lap of some girl who loves me. i want her to stroke my hair and kiss my cheek and rub my shoulders. i miss that. so much. i miss waking up next to a warm body in the morning and falling asleep in post coital bliss and stickiness at night. i say i want this now, only because its been a while since ive had it. once i'm actually in that situation, all i want is to be left alone. i'll take the love and the sex, but only in small doses, and only on my terms. i guess i'm immature that way. here's a poem i wrote.

please
please pull me apart
layer by layer and tell me
what i am,
what i started as,
and what i will become.
i cannot do this on my own.
please peel away all the lies that
i have told, all the pain i have felt,
and all the greed that filled my head,
and the jealousy that blurred my vision.
and peel away the anger that made me sick.
show me where that first began.
please peel away the love i had in my heart.
pull it off of me.
take away the joy i've felt,
and the laughter i remember, and
get rid of the compassion that clings to my skin.
and please peel away my skin and my veins,
and all the other mess
you might find inside of me.
lay all the parts of me across a room
lined with white paper
and hold me under a microscope
and write down everything you see
and tell me
what i am,
what i started as,
and what i will become.

god bless the child

2007-08-24T23:36:00.000-04:00

a correction to my previous post.
thursday, august 30th. that's when i'll be sans home. and that's after bargaining with libby for thursday instead of monday the 27th. talk about a wakeup call. in a matter of a few days ill go from host to guest in my own home. thats freaking me out more and more every day.

the last day at the office went off pretty much without a hitch. patients came and went. i filed. i made phone calls. i told some people it was my last day. i chose not to with others. one woman, upon hearing of my departure, quickly pulled me into my office, grabbed both of my hands and said "may i pray for you?". i accepted, of course, and she proceeded to spout out what was actually a very beautiful and well structured benediction. you would have thought she had prepared and practiced the speech. and as much as i for some reason don't want to admit it, after she finished...i felt something. i felt all warm and glowy. i felt high. whether the post prayer ecstasy was placebo effect or the divine spirit moving within doesnt matter much to me. i felt something, and it was nice. so was the one week's pay bonus check dr. huml gave me. pleasant surprise. he gave me this little speech, the main point of which was that above all, i should be careful of who i marry. when i giggled, he became stern and said that he was very serious. his ex wife (or "the mother of my children", as he calls her) played him dirty. he's scarred for life and just trying to do his fatherly duty and pass his scars onto the next generation. maybe thats just my naieve juvenile perception though. i want more blessings and less relationship advice. the money doesnt hurt, either.

a light of some kind

2007-08-23T23:37:00.000-04:00

tomorrow is my last day of work at the office. what the hell is up with that? leaps and bounds, kid. leaps and bounds. scott and libby sealed the deal with the apartment. as of 12:00am on september 1, 2007, i will essentially be homeless. the home i knew in jersey is empty and there's a for sale sign hammered into the front lawn i used to mow every other weekend. and now my apartment will be occupied by aliens. familiar ones, but aliens nonetheless. scott said i'm welcome to stay on here for as long as i needed, and even though i feel awkward about it, i dont have too many options. the concept of home is a strange one. its an anchor. and wherever you are, you can always reach over the side of the ship and tug at the chain, and the anchor will be there. to reassure you. i'm having to deal with the fact that when i reach over, the chain wont be there. and i have to be okay with that. this trip has already begun to change me. and i'm not leaving for another 2 months! but i guess ever since the thought entered my head, universal wheels were set in motion, to allow my reality to match my desires. i need more focus, more direction. i'm too here and there. i could stand some enlightenment. 65 watts aint cutting it.

they say if you wanna play, you should learn how to play dumb.

driftwood

2007-08-22T23:04:00.000-04:00

i had a great day today.
woke up with a gorgeous, life affirming erection. the kind that makes you want to look down, grab it and smile.the kid of erection that makes an ordinary man feel like a bull, spewing spit and snot with every breath. this particular species of wood doesn't show up every day,but i know from experience, its a good omen when it does.

boners aside, all in all i had a good day.nothing monumental happened, and it's exactly that fact which made it enjoyable. there was no pressure. no expectation. i expected nothing, and i got an entire day of nothing. thats a beautiful thing, sometimes.
i was able to sleep in late, wake up to the gentle comforting sound of rain against the window,and go back to sleep. spent some low key time with ryan and scott. i never had to change out of my ratty t-shirt and shorts. i saw exactly four women in the street who i fell in love with and wanted to marry. nothing to write home to mom about.
thank god.

train

2007-08-22T03:19:00.000-04:00

on the night when i promised myself i would wake up early and do yoga the next morning.i went out and got trashed. i never was good at keeping promises i make to myself. im listening to this song called train, by an artist named sonya kitchell. its's kind of killing me. nobody wants to just take off the cool and be themselves. everybody's got a mask on. unrelated. maybe.

"I've just taken a seat on the train
I walked through busy streets down a shadowy lane
I just bought my ticket for the ride
there's no turning back now
no matter what I decide
steel body moves fast, hinges pounding against the ground
I sink into my seat
I pray for it to speed up, but I wish it would slow down
my body quivers with anticipation for what lies ahead
wood is thrown onto the fire that cries out to be fed
mist shrouds the dawn, so ahead I cannot see
the train it moves ever forward into the misty sea

there's so many faces
most of the time I feel so alone
there's so many places
will I ever stop and know my own home?

I know I'm gonna get there, but I'm not sure when
nor do I know where I'm going, so I won't pretend
I cannot see beyond the horizon nor around the bend
the train it moves ever forward without a seeming end...
out of one window, I saw rain
I looked through the other, and I felt the warm sun's rays
the wind, it gently blew across my weary shoulder
and time whispered in my ear, Child, you're just gonna keep getting older
but I've done nothing more than take a seat on this here train
yet my life turned upside down and only
only the little things are right"

train - sonya kitchell

diamonds in the back

2007-08-20T20:25:00.000-04:00

this is the second day in my attempt to maintain a daily blog.
i want to get into the habit of spilling my juicy beans every day.
for everyone to read...for no one to read...i'm not sure. and i'm not
sure that it matters so much.

i want a record of who and where i am at this moment in my life, this period leading up to and including the time i'm in india and europe...to be truthful, i've spent the majority of the day thinking of worthy blog-terial. (you can use that). should i wax poetic about how gloomy this rainy monday was? a quirky top five list of my favorite breakfast cereals? (5.corn pops 4.frosted mini wheats 3. lucky charms 2. fruity pebbles 1. capn crunch). is my life that boring?

that's rather stupid, now that i see it in black and white in front of my face. i spent the majority of the day thinking of what i should go home and write about. and in fact, here i am, writing about the events of the day, which consisted mostly of anticipation of this very act.

holy shit. im confusing the fuck out of myself.
but..eureka! this makes my brain start jiggling...
how many of us do this, every day.not blog, but how many of us wait day in and day out, anticipating something worthy of a story to be told about, or a picture to be taken of, or a book to be written about. and, of course, for most of of us, it's that very anticipation soaked time that we look back at years later and realize: shit... THAT was the punchline.

it all goes back to being thankful for what you've got. realizing now that you don't need to go to Oz (or india) to find the magic or the joy or the self worth or the whatever the fuck it is that you're looking for. find it here, first.
you always knew what to write about.
interesting.

warning: sappy pre-trip woes

2007-08-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

i'm beginning to feel....something.
i've been putting off so many aspects of planning my trip, mostly because i'm not sure i want to deal with emotions that are inevitably attached to them. even so, im beginning to feel them. i'm going to miss so much. the people in my life are amazing. i have been blessed with the strangest and most beautiful spiderweb of friends and family members that anyone could ask for. they all make up little pieces of my heart. not the kind looks like an inverted scrotum and is filled with chocolate on valentines day. i'm talking about the bloody, meaty, pumping organ in my chest. i'll be on the other side of the planet. i know the spiderweb strands are strong and elastic enough to reach, but even the thought of all that stretching is pulling at my heart already.
if any of my aforementioned organ chunks are reading this, know that i love you. and know that it means something. and know that no matter what happens to or between us, i will still love you.